Why I Hate Anime Part 2: The Art

What's up with anime? It's just terrible, terrible art. The same identical fucking appearance, all across anime. Weird shaped head, with giant eyes, small nose, small mouth. Fucking ridiculous. Are they greys? Are they supposed to look like grey aliens? Cause grey aliens also have giant eyes, small nose, and small mouth.

And what's up with them having giant teardrops next to their head sometimes? Why is there a giant teardrop hovering near their head? Why? Is it raining? Is something going on? It looks retarded. Absolutely hideous. Along with the giant eyes. And sometimes the faces turn into cat faces for some fucking reason. Again, stupid shit.

And what about the super deformed appearances? Sometimes they turn super deformed. Have they just been in a fucking transporter malfunction, like that scene in Star Trek The Motion Picture? Where the science officer and that chick from the Lost Years novels gets transmogrified and all screwed up by the transporter? Why are things super deformed? Why does anything have to be deformed for no goddamn reason? Why is it super deformed, and not ultra deformed? Super deformed denotes that it has not quite gotten to the stage where it might be ultra deformed? Cause they look pretty deformed, and squished, and all small and ugly and kinda stout and uh... they don't look quite right. Again, really stupid and ugly art.

But it all comes back to the fact that they all look stupid. Giant eyes, really really giant eyes. Who the hell thought up this shit? With small mouths, that sometimes have a little bit of pointy incisor tooth. Just a little bit of incisor, to make em look kinda like cat people. Other times, you don't even see the nose. The nose disappears completely. Just awful. Ridiculous crap.

And of course, because they do all look the same, with the identical faces, the only logical way to differentiate them... the only way to tell em apart, is with wild and different colored hair. So you've got people with green hair. For no goddamn reason. Or they'll have blonde hair, but they're still supposed to be Asian? Really? Asian people with really blonde hair, that doesn't actually look like it was dyed? Purple hair, blue hair... just the gamut of colors. All because they can't be fucked to draw people differently. Noooooo, always gotta continue with the same identical giant eyed faces with small mouths. Unless they open the mouth, then the nose disappears. The mouth opens, nose disappears, and giant teardrop comes WHAM out of fucking nowhere. People make fun of the crazy ass hair in anime, and the defense is "well they wouldn't be able to tell characters apart without the different colored hair." No fucking shit. No fucking shit we wouldn't be able to tell those idiotic characters apart, they're all the same with those giant eyes and small noses and mouths! The answer isn't to give em all ridiculous hair... it's to actually try and draw em differently sometimes a bit mayhaps! Think, you lazy assholes!

Speaking of lazy... anime is so absolutely lazy. Just look at ALL the fucking speedline sequences in anime. I'm talking about those scenes where a character does something really dramatic, like running. What is the background while he's running? It's some crazy hyperspace field with a lot of lines and maybe purple ass stars flying around and it's like... where the fuck did this guy go off to? Or a robot will do something crazy like fly around. Suddenly, he's in this pinkish background with sparkles or some shit. And he's doing some crazy maneuver, but it's not in a location anymore, he's floating around in this magical ethereal world of white lines and stars and uh... nothingness? It's bullshit.

And of course, you'll have plenty of shots of people making punches or cutting with a sword, and the animation shows them all frozen in place, then a giant slash appears, then the thing getting punched or cut suddenly leaps six feet off of where it was, and the shot freezes once again. This is supposed to be dramatic, but just looks lazy, like the animators didn't want to animate more then a few shots. Lots of frozen scenes, depicting stuff happening. It's retarded.

You look at American animation, and yea, some of it looks like crap, but for God's sake, it doesn't all look alike. The Simpsons doesn't look like Batman TAS. Batman TAS doesn't look like X-Men TAS. Rugrats doesn't look like Ren and Stimpy. Kim Possible doesn't look like South Park. (Yes, I watched Kim Possible. It was embarrassing, but I was bored.) But everything anime is the same. Giant eyes, small nose, small mouth... usually a fucking robot in the background.

Why I Hate Anime Part 1: Gundam

Part 1 in a series of meditative thoughts about why I despise and loathe anime. This particular post is gonna focus on one of the biggest symbols of anime: Gundam.

So uh... I guess George Lucas doesn't care about people in Japan ripping off his Star Wars stuff? Cause aren't those light sabers the Gundams are using? Isn't that what it is, an energy sword type of weapon? Did Gundam pay for the rights to use light sabers from Star Wars? I kinda doubt it. Mind you, I don't like Star Wars... but that doesn't mean that ripping em off is okay. It's like you get two turds for the price of one.

And why does a Gundam always look like a giant robot stylized in samurai armor? If it's the future, why would the giant robot have to look that way? Some scientists finally made the breakthrough that allowed giant mechs to be a reality, and they all gathered around and decided that the samurai armor look was the obvious way to go? There's no other form that a giant advanced robotic fighting machine can take, they have to look like ancient Samurai warriors? I mean, they've got that samurai crest sorta spikey thing on top of the helmet, there's the actual helmet... and then you've got the two weird notches in the nose and the giant red clit for a chin. Why would you have these two random notches in the nose area? What does that do? Why do all Gundams have those two notches on the nose area? Someone explain this to me. And why a red chin? Why do Gundam always have that red chin that protrudes down? What technology requires a red chin that sorta pokes out of the face of the mech? Why this particular arrangement that's supposed to resemble a face? It doesn't matter, the pilot of the damn Gundam doesn't even sit in the head, he's sitting down in the torso. So why the two yellow eyes? Why the crest on top of the helmet? Why do they do this? And what's up with the shield? It doesn't cover much of the giant robot, it doesn't seem to be used at all... what's it doing? Why is there a giant star on the side of it? Does the giant yellow star provide some sort of technological boost?

And how about the name Gundam? What does Gundam even mean? Is it a combination of the words "gun" and "dam?" Cause Gundams do hold guns. Oftentimes, they'll be ridiculously long guns. Kinda unwieldy. But they do use guns. But what about dam? Are there any dams involved with Gundams? No, not really? Then what does Gundam mean? Why are they called Gundams instead of, say... Giant Samurai Robots? What's the meaning of Gundam? Does it have any meaning? I dunno, it's all very vague. They're just called Gundams because... they are. Even though guns and dams aren't generally associated with one another.

How come the hero of these weird Gundam animes is always some 14 or 15 year old boy? How does that make any sense? Why would you draft 15 year old boys into your army and allow them to pilot your best vehicles? That doesn't make any sense. We don't let 15 year old boys fly F22 Raptors. It's stupid. Although, at least in what I could see of this series, the 15 year old protagonist wasn't an effeminate-looking boy. Ya know, so many of these anime protagonists are rather effeminate. Kinda gender-confused. So that's a little different from other animes. He just has some weirdass hair.

So... their ship is called White Base? First of all, that is a really weak name. Why would anyone name anything White Base? That's the blandest fucking name ever. And furthermore, it's not even a base, it's a ship. Why would a ship be called White Base? I guess the ship is white, but shouldn't you call it something interesting and naval, like Enterprise or Excelsior? Why call it a White Base? A base is usually some sort of building on the ground. Even if it was a building, nobody in their right mind would just name it White Base. To call a giant battleship White Base is staggeringly unimaginative and lame. And the space station is named Side 7? Is this the 7th in the Side series of stations? Why the fuck would any space station be called Side 7? That is the most retarded name for a space station I have ever heard. I mean, Deep Space Nine is a pretty terrible name, but ya know what... it's light years beyond the idiotic naming schemes in Gundam.

Rambal Ral? Amuro Ray? Fraw Bow? Who the hell came up with these names? Why would anyone think to name characters like this? How can you take anything seriously when you see that their name is Rambal Ral? Wtf? Is this on purpose? Did the creative directors of the Gundam franchise intentionally come up with batshit insane names for the characters to... I dunno, show that in the future, people like really bizarre names? Is that their master stroke? It's uh... it's pretty bold.

So basically... Gundam is complete bullshit. It's uh... so very godawful. But ya know, it's only a small part of why I hate anime.

Anime Cliches: Let's dissect Full Metal Panic

Hmmm, alright let's see here... what's this anime about? Let's try to piece it together from what we know. Let's see, there's the name. We know the name. It's called Full Metal Panic... and it's an anime. So, the Full Metal part of the name... implies some sort of metal... metal usage... metallic... mechanized metallic man... giant robot! Okay, probably some sort of giant mecha robot thingy.

And the Panic part of the name... what does the panic mean? Panic because of... some sort of inner turmoil? Panic because of... inner turmoil... at being... an effeminate man? Some sort of androgynous effeminate looking guy. And who tends to panic? Perhaps a female... of... youth? Female youths tend to panic. And... let's see, female youths go to... school. Schoolgirls. Schoolgirls in uniforms.

Alright, I think I've pieced this mystery together.

FUCK ANIME