Review: Mirror's Edge

Ya know, this game looked really cool after seeing some previews for it. Then I read giantbomb.com's review of it and they only gave it a 3 out of 5. So that meant ok, but not good or great. Sorta dimmed my enthusiasm a bit. It was like, yea this game might not be some perfect sphere of nirvana like Half-Life 2 or anything, but it's an innovative new game concept that really tried to breathe new life into the FPS genre, so why not give it the benefit of the doubt? Who else would think to take EA's bags of money and make a first person parkour game that almost totally avoids combat? That is the creation of either some madness, or some genius.

So it came out and I started playing it. And frankly, I dunno why giantbomb gave it a 3/5. This game is fucking fun. The sense of speed and adenaline from running over rooftops while sliding under pipes and walljumping from scaffolding is just amazing. That's what this game excels at, making you feel like an amazing athlete, some sort of freak Olympian who gets their kicks from stealing stuff and running away. The parkour is easily accomplished with the controls and viewing it from first person makes it much more immersive then a traditional third person camera would have.

The entire game has a nice sorta Ipod-ish aesthetic. It seems that in the city of the future, everything is clean and white, with some splashes of other colors. If you've ever watched the turd of a film called "Ultraviolet", then you'll recognize its look here. Very sterilized and cold... even the plants in the city are painted white for some reason heh. I suppose it's a new take on the futuristic city aesthetic though, compared to a lot of stuff in scifi games that're just ripped off from Blade Runner and Aliens.

So while I'm enjoying the game a lot, there are a few caveats. First off, I started playing the game last night. At the end of the session, I had completed the first four levels. There are nine levels in all. Yes, this game is not built for longevity. It is short. And no multiplayer, so all that's left is doing speed runs in the completed levels to try to top your last time. Obviously a factor if you're gonna go and buy this game for 60 bucks or whatever.

The combat's also lacking, since this isn't a game where you're meant to run and gun. You can use guns, but you have to first disarm a cop. Then, you'll only be able to shoot until the magazine runs out, you can't reload. So shooting it out isn't really encouraged. Also, your character Faith can only take a few shots, so you'll definitely need to run behind cover and wait for opportune moments to strike. If you do work at it, you can shoot it out with a SWAT team though. Just isolate one guy, disarm him, run to another guy, shoot him, grab his gun, and repeat, while trying not to catch too much lead. It's not ideal, and it's certainly much harder then just running for any exit, but it's doable. The hand to hand combat works for the weak police, they'll drop after 2 or 3 punches. But the SWAT guys in armor will just push you away, so hand to hand doesn't work on them. All in all, if you're looking for some sorta Matrix-style martial arts combat to match the game's parkour gameplay, you won't find it here.

Oh, and yea... the game cutscenes do resemble the Esurance cartoon commercials. But honestly... I always liked those commercials. Erin Esurance was hot. So that's not really a complaint for me.

Snorting Pixie Sticks

Has anybody tried this? Doesn't it seem like it'd be cheaper and safer then snorting cocaine? Cause if you do cocaine, you're running all sorts of risks. Drug addiction, overdosing... not to mention having to deal with seedy dealers who might or might not be dangerous. Plus, you're contributing money to drug violence, whether the Mexican cartels or the Colombian guys. Ya know, those guys who're gunning people down and cutting off their heads and rolling them into news stations. That shit just isn't cool.

So with pixie sticks, you're forgoing all of that. It's not dangerous, right? I mean, it's just sugar, so snorting it can't be that bad for you. Worst thing is you might get diabetes. But not an overdose that would kill you outright. And nobody gets hurt in the production of the sugar. Also, it's uncut. Just pure sugar. There aren't any weird substances used to dilute it that might be hazardous to your health.

And ya know, if you get tired of snorting the pixie sticks, you can just eat it like normal. I mean, I love pixie sticks, they're still tasty when you're an adult. Only complaint I have with them is that they can get to be just a little too sweet if you suck it down hard. Like, I'd prefer that sour sort of sugar they use to coat on sour belts and stuff. Cause I've always just preferred sourness to sweetness. When you have too much sour candy, your tongue just gets kinda numb and maybe hurts a bit. Whereas if you have too much sweetness, it just gets overpowering and almost makes you want to puke. So I'd take the sour over the sweet.

Only thing I don't know is if you'll eventually get a hole in your nose from snorting pixie sticks. That might be a bit of a downside I suppose. Oh yea, and you might not actually get a high from snorting it. Kinda different from snorting cocaine. But ya know, for casual guys like me... it doesn't sound bad.

56-year-old becomes first woman to swim Atlantic

http://sports.yahoo.com/top/news?slug=ap-atlanticswim020809&prov=yhoo&type=lgns

Now see, I think this story's a complete fraud. At first I was really impressed, cause someone swam across the whole fucking Atlantic ocean. But then I read the article and it comes off as a copout. Follow me along here.

"Figge woke most days around 7 a.m., eating pasta and baked potatoes while she and the crew assessed the weather."

WTF? She was sleeping? She was able to sleep while swimming in the Atlantic? How the fuck does that work out? And she had food delivered to her? That's just cheating. And having a crew? Why would you have a crew if you're swimming solo? It makes no sense. Then I read this...

"Her longest stint in the water was about eight hours, and her shortest was 21 minutes."

Her longest stint was eight hours? WTF? Shouldn't your longest stint be from when you leave one side of the Atlantic to when you set foot on the other fucking side? How can her longest stint be only eight hours? What was she doing after that? Getting onto a boat? How does that qualify as swimming across the ocean? This is just weak. I am completely underwhelmed by her "achievement."

Jonah Hill: Young Brett Ratner?

Seriously, doesn't he resemble a youthful Brett Ratner? Ratner, if you weren't aware, is the director of all three Rush Hour movies... which were fucking terrible stains on cinema. Jonah Hill's the tub of lard who stared in "Superbad."

I dunno, they just seem like clones of each other. They're both overweight, they both have that bad hair... it's amazing.

BTW, how the hell is Jonah Hill dating one of the Olsens? How does that work? I guess it must be true what they say, women do go for guys who can make them laugh. Cause I honestly can't imagine what else Jonah Hill would offer a girl. I doubt he's that rich, or else I'd say girls go for guys who have shitloads of money. But Jonah Hill couldn't have made that much off of Superbad and his smallish role in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, right? I mean, rich girls like the Olsens... don't they generally go for the heirs of Greek shipping companies or something? That notion entered my consciousness somehow. Jonah Hill's one lucky fucking fat fuck, that's all I can say.

Quote of the Day

"If you need to goof around on set and ruin a take, don’t mess with Russell Crowe, Christian Bale or “Dead Man” Ledger because they will snap. Try ruining the filming of a scene that includes Dakota Fanning. She seems quite placid, but if she were to turn nasty, you could probably take her. She looks like a porcelian doll and her skull would probably cave in like a hollow egg shell."

-Some guy on Cracked.com

Since we were all wondering how Casper Van Dien's career's been lately...

One of the strangest fucking things I've ever seen.

The Greatest Animated Series of All Time

Here is my list of the greatest animated series of all time. Note that since yours truly is definitely a child of the early '90s, my pop culture tastes will reflect that. This all began when I skimmed through IGN's list of the top 100 animated series of all time and found it deeply lacking. Thus, I endeavored to compile my own list, reflecting reality as I see it. Those assholes at IGN did a dreadful job with their one hundred slots. For some reason, they decided to fill it with tons of lame stuff from the 70s. Seriously, what the fuck is DangerMouse? And the Smurfs? Goddamn lunatics. Well, without further ado...

1. The Simpsons

Oh c'mon, you knew this was gonna be at the top. It's obvious. Don't deny it cause it's popular (despite the decline in quality over the years). The Simpsons defined mainstream network cartoons. Sure, I didn't immediately think of it either, but that's because when we think of cartoons, we generally think of saturday morning or afternoon fare. The Simpsons on the other hand is clearly late night adult entertainment. The great granddaddy of stuff we all take for granted now like South Park, Futurama, Adult Swim, and yes, Family Guy. Bart Simpson was the rebel without a cause for an entire generation of young people and "Eat my shorts" was enshrined in pop culture forever. While it's steadily gone down the shitter after season 9, we can always look back at those cherished reruns when Mindy was seducing Homer with room service and Bart still made prank phone calls to Moe's.

2. ExoSquad

The greatest sci-fi war epic of all time, in saturday morning cartoon format. ExoSquad was no funny series of hijinks and misunderstandings. Nor a treasure trove of pop culture references randomly inserted throughout. It was simply a dramatic and at times brutal account of the Second Neo Sapien War. For a saturday morning cartoon, this show took risks. Characters you'd grown to know and love could and would die. Entire populations were brought to starvation and slavery in concentration camps. And the most frightening aspect of all... mankind had pretty much brought this on itself. We were responsible for creating our own conquerors, the genetically engineered Neo Sapiens. Slaves who were now our slavemasters.

The show basically took World War II and transported it into the 22nd century, with sci-fi exoskeletons known as Exo-Frames. Basically, all the cool aspects of Starship Troopers, but with a much more relatable conflict. Instead of just blowing away anonymous bugs, we were fighting our own bitter creations, who were politically ruled by a megalomaniacal tyrant named Phaeton. I'll never forget the first season episode "The Brood" in which the ExoFleet, returning to Earth to liberate it from the occupying Neo Sapiens, ended up being overwhelmed by two Neo Sapien fleets. The flagship Resolute going down in flames as its lifeboats shot out and were blown apart by hostile fire is probably one of the most traumatic images of my childhood. Sure, I'd seen the Reliant get blown apart by the Enterprise in "Wrath of Khan" before then, but that was a ship full of escaped criminals and villains. They were trash. Seeing the Resolute, flagship of the entire Exofleet, the pride and joy of Admiral Winfield, slowly get ripped apart by laser fire and then explode with the traitorous Captain Marcus aboard invoked a curious mixture of horror, despair, and wonderment.

Now that I've grown up, I actually find that I can appreciate the series more, which is rarely the case with these saturday morning cartoons. But it's only now in my adult life that I find myself recognizing the subtle touches of the writers, like the state of the Neo Sapien people in the first few episodes resembling the state of Germany before World War 2. Or the problem of human collaborators working with the Neo Sapien occupation, just like the Vichy regime of France.

Here's a quote that I've found especially memorable. Only a mere taste of the excellence embued in this animated masterpiece.

Thrax: "I used to worry how I would face the end. Would I go bravely like a soldier? But let me tell you something, Neo Mega, it's life itself that matters, not how it ends. Each moment is a precious gift, if only we have the courage to accept it. That is where our duty lies, not in taking life, but in living it."

3. TaleSpin
Disney's Afternoon Block was king in my after-school entertainment schedule. Two solid hours of animation, followed by the segue into Full House. And of all the excellent animated shows on that block, none has stuck with me like TaleSpin. Sure, you might be wondering to yourself WTF Disney was thinking with this concept... taking the characters of The Jungle Book and sticking them into a prewar 1930's seaside city named Cape Suzette? Baloo the bear piloting a cargo plane? Shere Khan the tiger as some corporate mogul who scratches his wooden armrest all the time?

While a bit odd at first glance, this dynamic absolutely worked in execution. Baloo was just as lovable an oaf as Homer Simpson, while his supporting cast of Kit Cloudkicker, Wildcat, and Rebecca Cunngingham were equally as entertaining and charismatic. And the 1930s Americana setting was warm and rich with interesting embellishments. G.I. Joe might have had their ground based fortresses but who didn't want an Iron Vulture as a child? It was the ultimate airborne war vessel, IMO.

I can easily name off dozens of memorable episodes which seemed to have that same old Disney magic which made the Mouse company a household name. My favorite one is probably the episode where Baloo and his friend Louie go off in search of treasure and a date with a damsel in distress in this ancient lost city of scarabs and magical wind chimes. The whole thing was quite sinister with the gigantic scarab gates of the desert city, while the alluring female archeologist probably turned me into a furry momentarily. Kinda felt like a lost Indiana Jones movie, honestly.

But hey, that's just one episode. What about the one where the air pirates build an enormous mirror in the sea to confuse and crash airplanes? Or the one where Baloo loses his memory and befriends a guardian angel? Or the one where gangsters hijack the Spruce Moose? Or the one where Howard Huge builds an enormous airwing out of the parts of various airplanes? Or the one where Kit frees a giant whale? Or the one where Wildcat finds a lost world of dinosaurs? Or the one where Kit goes off and joins a Soviet cadre? Or the one where Baloo competes against a robot pilot, the future of aviation? Or the one where Rebecca falls in love with a ghost captain on a flying Dutchman? See what I mean? This show had tons of amazing episodes, made with care and that high Disney craftmanship. Unfortunately, we won't see the likes of that again, I reckon.

4. Batman The Animated Series
The greatest superhero animated series, bar none. Batman had been given a fair shake on the big screen with Tim Burton's two films, but this cartoon was the real deal. Sure, you have to get past all the bad guys shooting their tommy guns but never managing to hit Batman, but that's a minor issue. The storytelling of this show was basically everything good that the comics had produced, with some stuff that was actually much better, encapsulated in 30 minute chunks. The pinnacle of which was my favorite episode "Heart of Ice", a near perfect example of animated entertainment. Here we get not just the best portrayal of Mr. Freeze, but the best sort of Batman story, the best episode of the show, and the best episode of superhero animation by far. I can't think of many television episodes which have made me cry, but this is one of them. To watch it and not shed a tear, you would almost certainly have to have a literal heart of ice.

So how come this series isn't higher on my list? Well, to put it simply... I hate Bruce Timm's art style. I can't stand it. The ridiculously huge chins and broad torsos... they just really looked odd to me. Also, the art deco style I was never crazy for. You have to remember, as a child watching this... it was very strange seeing people in old 1950's cars and riding in blimps while also seeing Batman fighting androids and artificial intelligence with lasers. So, it does have some flaws in my eyes. However, it's still really really high on my list because the writing and characterization were so amazing. Mr. Freeze wasn't the only character that the show used well. Other villains like Harvey Dent, Mad Hatter, Clayface, and Poison Ivy were utilized in dark and emotionally deep stories that were arguably superior to the comic books at the time. And the show also created wholly new adversaries like Baby Doll and HARDAC who were worthy foes for the Dark Knight. Simply put, this show is really fucking good. So good in fact, that even after the release of The Dark Knight, many fans still rate this show as their favorite portrayal of the Batman in any medium. That's high praise indeed.

5. BattleTech The Animated Series
The show which introduced me to the beautiful universe of BattleTech.

6. Futurama
Brilliant sci-fi comedy molded to look like The Simpsons.

7. X-Men The Animated Series
Marvel's first 90's cartoon, and the best.

Honorable Mentions:
The Bots Master
Eek! the Cat
Rug Rats
Kim Possible
Rescue Rangers
DarkWing Duck
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Muppet Babies
Spider-Man The Animated Series
Alvin and the Chipmunks