Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Review: Mirror's Edge

Ya know, this game looked really cool after seeing some previews for it. Then I read giantbomb.com's review of it and they only gave it a 3 out of 5. So that meant ok, but not good or great. Sorta dimmed my enthusiasm a bit. It was like, yea this game might not be some perfect sphere of nirvana like Half-Life 2 or anything, but it's an innovative new game concept that really tried to breathe new life into the FPS genre, so why not give it the benefit of the doubt? Who else would think to take EA's bags of money and make a first person parkour game that almost totally avoids combat? That is the creation of either some madness, or some genius.

So it came out and I started playing it. And frankly, I dunno why giantbomb gave it a 3/5. This game is fucking fun. The sense of speed and adenaline from running over rooftops while sliding under pipes and walljumping from scaffolding is just amazing. That's what this game excels at, making you feel like an amazing athlete, some sort of freak Olympian who gets their kicks from stealing stuff and running away. The parkour is easily accomplished with the controls and viewing it from first person makes it much more immersive then a traditional third person camera would have.

The entire game has a nice sorta Ipod-ish aesthetic. It seems that in the city of the future, everything is clean and white, with some splashes of other colors. If you've ever watched the turd of a film called "Ultraviolet", then you'll recognize its look here. Very sterilized and cold... even the plants in the city are painted white for some reason heh. I suppose it's a new take on the futuristic city aesthetic though, compared to a lot of stuff in scifi games that're just ripped off from Blade Runner and Aliens.

So while I'm enjoying the game a lot, there are a few caveats. First off, I started playing the game last night. At the end of the session, I had completed the first four levels. There are nine levels in all. Yes, this game is not built for longevity. It is short. And no multiplayer, so all that's left is doing speed runs in the completed levels to try to top your last time. Obviously a factor if you're gonna go and buy this game for 60 bucks or whatever.

The combat's also lacking, since this isn't a game where you're meant to run and gun. You can use guns, but you have to first disarm a cop. Then, you'll only be able to shoot until the magazine runs out, you can't reload. So shooting it out isn't really encouraged. Also, your character Faith can only take a few shots, so you'll definitely need to run behind cover and wait for opportune moments to strike. If you do work at it, you can shoot it out with a SWAT team though. Just isolate one guy, disarm him, run to another guy, shoot him, grab his gun, and repeat, while trying not to catch too much lead. It's not ideal, and it's certainly much harder then just running for any exit, but it's doable. The hand to hand combat works for the weak police, they'll drop after 2 or 3 punches. But the SWAT guys in armor will just push you away, so hand to hand doesn't work on them. All in all, if you're looking for some sorta Matrix-style martial arts combat to match the game's parkour gameplay, you won't find it here.

Oh, and yea... the game cutscenes do resemble the Esurance cartoon commercials. But honestly... I always liked those commercials. Erin Esurance was hot. So that's not really a complaint for me.

Snorting Pixie Sticks

Has anybody tried this? Doesn't it seem like it'd be cheaper and safer then snorting cocaine? Cause if you do cocaine, you're running all sorts of risks. Drug addiction, overdosing... not to mention having to deal with seedy dealers who might or might not be dangerous. Plus, you're contributing money to drug violence, whether the Mexican cartels or the Colombian guys. Ya know, those guys who're gunning people down and cutting off their heads and rolling them into news stations. That shit just isn't cool.

So with pixie sticks, you're forgoing all of that. It's not dangerous, right? I mean, it's just sugar, so snorting it can't be that bad for you. Worst thing is you might get diabetes. But not an overdose that would kill you outright. And nobody gets hurt in the production of the sugar. Also, it's uncut. Just pure sugar. There aren't any weird substances used to dilute it that might be hazardous to your health.

And ya know, if you get tired of snorting the pixie sticks, you can just eat it like normal. I mean, I love pixie sticks, they're still tasty when you're an adult. Only complaint I have with them is that they can get to be just a little too sweet if you suck it down hard. Like, I'd prefer that sour sort of sugar they use to coat on sour belts and stuff. Cause I've always just preferred sourness to sweetness. When you have too much sour candy, your tongue just gets kinda numb and maybe hurts a bit. Whereas if you have too much sweetness, it just gets overpowering and almost makes you want to puke. So I'd take the sour over the sweet.

Only thing I don't know is if you'll eventually get a hole in your nose from snorting pixie sticks. That might be a bit of a downside I suppose. Oh yea, and you might not actually get a high from snorting it. Kinda different from snorting cocaine. But ya know, for casual guys like me... it doesn't sound bad.

Monday, February 9, 2009

56-year-old becomes first woman to swim Atlantic


Now see, I think this story's a complete fraud. At first I was really impressed, cause someone swam across the whole fucking Atlantic ocean. But then I read the article and it comes off as a copout. Follow me along here.

"Figge woke most days around 7 a.m., eating pasta and baked potatoes while she and the crew assessed the weather."

WTF? She was sleeping? She was able to sleep while swimming in the Atlantic? How the fuck does that work out? And she had food delivered to her? That's just cheating. And having a crew? Why would you have a crew if you're swimming solo? It makes no sense. Then I read this...

"Her longest stint in the water was about eight hours, and her shortest was 21 minutes."

Her longest stint was eight hours? WTF? Shouldn't your longest stint be from when you leave one side of the Atlantic to when you set foot on the other fucking side? How can her longest stint be only eight hours? What was she doing after that? Getting onto a boat? How does that qualify as swimming across the ocean? This is just weak. I am completely underwhelmed by her "achievement."

Jonah Hill: Young Brett Ratner?

Seriously, doesn't he resemble a youthful Brett Ratner? Ratner, if you weren't aware, is the director of all three Rush Hour movies... which were fucking terrible stains on cinema. Jonah Hill's the tub of lard who stared in "Superbad."

I dunno, they just seem like clones of each other. They're both overweight, they both have that bad hair... it's amazing.

BTW, how the hell is Jonah Hill dating one of the Olsens? How does that work? I guess it must be true what they say, women do go for guys who can make them laugh. Cause I honestly can't imagine what else Jonah Hill would offer a girl. I doubt he's that rich, or else I'd say girls go for guys who have shitloads of money. But Jonah Hill couldn't have made that much off of Superbad and his smallish role in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, right? I mean, rich girls like the Olsens... don't they generally go for the heirs of Greek shipping companies or something? That notion entered my consciousness somehow. Jonah Hill's one lucky fucking fat fuck, that's all I can say.

Quote of the Day

"If you need to goof around on set and ruin a take, don’t mess with Russell Crowe, Christian Bale or “Dead Man” Ledger because they will snap. Try ruining the filming of a scene that includes Dakota Fanning. She seems quite placid, but if she were to turn nasty, you could probably take her. She looks like a porcelian doll and her skull would probably cave in like a hollow egg shell."

-Some guy on Cracked.com