Monday, July 6, 2009

"Transformers Revenge of the Fallen was great, all those critics are wrong!"

WTF are you people smoking? This movie was goddamn horrible SHIT. And I thought the first one was okay. Passable. The Rock is Michael Bay's best work, and then Transformers and The Island were sorta alright. But this... this is ridiculously wretched.

It's just bizarre that his second flick is one of the greatest action films ever and over ten years later he comes out with this sort of colossal trainwreck. I dunno, it's like he was playing it straight back then and since then, he's just been indulging in his worst instincts and Transformers 2 is the most excessive display of that.

There are actually a pair of twin robots that speak in ebonics, call the humans "pussies", and one has a gold tooth for some reason. It's like two Jar Jar Binks at once. And yes, they are racially offensive, it wasn't funny at all. Cringe inducing. Ya know what, I didn't even find Jar Jar Binks offensive in a racial manner, just retarded, because I've never actually met anyone who spoke like Jar Jar. "Meesa people gonna die?" Yea, never heard of that from any ethnicity in real life. But the twin robots... yea, I've heard that sorta thing. It's amazing that Michael Bay thought this was alright. Sure, Jazz from the cartoon had a distinctly black voice, but it wasn't hitting you over the head with it. Jazz never called anyone a pussy or talked about how he never was much for book reading.

And Devastator was completely wasted. Here's this gigantic robot made up out of five constructicons, and... he doesn't really accomplish anything of note. At first he sucks up one of the GhettoBots, which made me really happy... and a few seconds later we see him leap out of Devastator's mouth and start shooting it in the face. And it's supposed to be this moment of victory for the good guys, but... I just got pissed that the horrible Jar Jar bot didn't get eaten and killed. That would've been so fucking great.

Devastator then just gets blown apart by one shot from a railgun mounted on a Navy destroyer. WTF? All that buildup just to see him clumsily trying to scale a pyramid and get BOOM HEADSHOT from some made-up CGI railgun? Fucking lame. Of course, the design itself was awful, it looked nothing like the Devastator I remember from G1. But that goes without saying, none of the designs look good.

You know what was amazing though? Michael Bay actually attempted to put some sort of message or moral into the plot. See, in the beginning... the main character's going off to college and he has to deal with his parents letting him go. So later, in the final battle sequence, he gets reunited with them and he tells them to go to safety and they refuse to go without him. And he says something like "Dad, no. You have to let go of me. You have to let go." And that's when it hit me... Michael Bay was actually trying to tell a story about a boy's parents learning to let go of their son so he can leave and become a man on his own. But of course, it's stuck in a film that just showed two hours of giant robots fighting each other, so... that message is kinda ridiculous. It was really funny how clumsy and awkward it was delivered.

So yea... the film's not good. CGI's great of course, there's this nice setpiece in the middle where Optimus Prime fights two or three Decepticons in this forest. And the blending of the CGI robots with this really natural setting was super impressive. Props to ILM. But the story and characters and editing and everything else is terrible.

Plus, I was sitting next to a douchebag who suddenly started texting on his fucking cell phone halfway through. I mean, yea sure... it's a long film, two and a half hours long... but that's no excuse for disrupting the theater experience like that. I was so irritated that I leaned over, nudged him in the shoulder and said "Your phone." And this guy turns to me like he's shocked that he's sitting next to actual human beings and asks "What?" Like he has absolutely no idea that he was doing anything wrong. So I say "It's distracting." Dude goes back to texting like I'm some jerk who likes being a jerk.

It's a terrible world we live in. And now that I think about it... I saw him texting and playing around with his cell before the film started too. Of course, I just naturally assumed he wouldn't actually text during the film. Faith and goodwill toward man, I guess.

And no, this movie is not true to the cartoon at all. The cartoon did not have childish humor like this. Point me to the G1 episode where a little Joe Pesci robot voiced by Steve Buscemi gets caught in a fucking mousetrap and whispers "You hot but you not so smart." And later humps a human's leg. WTF? Or an old bot farting out a parachute. Or someone stripping down to their fucking jock strap, exposing their asscheeks. WTF was that? Why do I want to see John Turturro's asscheeks? Someone stab my eyes out. Of course, we get the nonsense at the beginning where all the household appliances turn into murderous transformers and Shia's dodging gunfire from his fucking vacuum cleaner and microwave... just really lame bullshit. Oh, and the guardpost they run across in the desert? Just happens to have a little midget. It's soooo fucking hilarious isn't it? Midgets... they're small... hahaha. Fuck you Michael Bay. The man seems to have lost his goddamn mind on this film.

So yea, the cartoon was, strangely enough, much more mature then this film. Made entirely for people who grew up with the original cartoon series and are now adults? Hell no, I grew up with the original cartoon and this is an abomination. Why the hell is Bumblebee still fucking mute? I don't remember that from the cartoon. He gained the ability to speak at the end of the first film, for crying out loud. And a robot that's razor thin and formed out of the shells of a thousand ball bearings? Cool special effect, but I sure don't remember it from the cartoon. When Ravage gets torn apart by Bumblebee at the end of the film, his spine has some green liquid mess around him... huh? What was that about? Last time I checked, Transformers were all machine, no bio parts. Of course, that's overshadowed by the fact that the Decepticons can actually make Transformer-Humans now. With really long tongues and a great libido. Just amazing... it's like Michael Bay was trying to rip off every sci-fi property from the last 20 years. So in that scene he was ripping off Species and Terminator. Then, in another scene, Optimus Prime fires a bullet in slow motion at Megatron. Obviously a Matrix reference. Of course, you've got the obligatory military porn scenes that he's been doing for his entire career and which we all kinda tolerated in the first film. Now there's even more of em, in case you didn't get enough! And the standard 360 spin around characters. There was actually a scene composed of nothing but those spins. Remember when Shia and Megan Fox are first talking about saying "I love you" first? Didn't you notice that it's just the camera whipping around them, then whipping around them, then whipping around them, etc? I started turning my head from side to side to follow the camera, it was that annoying.

Also, did anyone else wonder WTF the point of the insect decepticon was? Here's this tiny little decepticon that looks like a fly. Shia picks it up and uh, tears it in half. Just like a real fly. Well... but this is a Transformer, made out of advanced alien technology. Why the hell would it be as easy to rip apart as a normal biological fly? It just shows that Michael Bay actually doesn't give a damn about Transformers. Like the first scene... Optimus Prime falls out of plane and deploys three giant parachutes. Why oh why would the Autobots reply on human-made parachutes? Wouldn't they have jetpacks or flying technology of their own? You'll remember that in the first few episodes of G1, the Autobots could fly. Not to mention that parachutes would probably have to be absurdly huge to provide enough lift for a giant robot made out of heavy metal.

Of course, Arcee gets no character at all, it's just three pink cycles that show up for the first half of the film. Ironhide has a strange British accent, which really distracted me whenever he spoke. Cause in the cartoon, Ironhide always had this sort of gruff Southern accent of sorts. To now sound British... it made him quite a bit more dainty.

And let's talk about the Fallen, the very very pivotal character who's in the fucking subtitles, for God's sake. Subtitles are pretty important. Star Trek II has the subtitle "The Wrath of Khan." Khan is a very important person in that film. Now, in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, the Fallen is... huh? Wha? Nowhere to be seen? Yea, apparently. He showed up three times, first in that awful opening scene where he crushes a bunch of silly cavemen who look somehow worse then in 10,000 B.C. Which is surprising, because 10,000 B.C. was a Roland Emmerich piece of shit. Then in the middle of the film, when Megatron goes and decides to fly off to some moon of Jupiter. There's the Fallen, sitting in some mechanical chair and spouting awfully cliched villain dialogue. But hey, they must be just building up to something spectacular, right? Well... no, not at all actually. It's the end of the film, they've just revived Optimus and Devastator's been railgun'd, and all of a sudden, the Fallen teleports out of fucking nowhere, I guess maybe all the way from that moon, and climbs to the pyramid. And once again, Bay seems to have watched and liked the X-Men films, since he has the Fallen pull a complete Magneto with the tanks and rubble. Optimus somehow gains the ability to wear other Transformers as a skin, kind of a creepy idea, and then... proceeds to absolutely rape the Fallen in about a 50 second fight scene. Wha, huh? All that just to have the subtitled character go down faster then Paris Hilton? Maybe ILM spent so much time working on the forest scene that they didn't have enough time to make a longer fight scene at the end? Who knows.

If you thought this was some great cinematic experience, go kill yourself now.

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