Sunday, May 9, 2010

Star Wars: What a shitty film

Well, you have the film start with that really annoying and ponderous scroll up the screen. Not a fan of that. Then we're introduced to C3P0 and R2D2. Even way back at the tender age of 5 when I first saw the movie, I could sense that there was some sort of homoerotic partnership going on between those two droids. Very uh, very dainty mannerisms. Of course, it was pissing me off that R2D2 just made a bunch of clips and beeps. Didn't find him cute at all, just indecipherable. What's up with that? Who needs a trashcan with some beeping noises?

Then we get the firefight that has a bunch of stormtroopers running in and dying because their armor does absolutely fuck all. Luckily, the Rebel guards have about the same level of marksmanship and no armor. Darth Vader comes in... he's not bad, he's kinda cool looking. But uh, then we get to Princess Leia. And ya know, I just don't find Carrie Fisher attractive. She's not a good looking woman. Not a fan of her. You kinda get the sense she's trying really hard to stay skinny by vomiting after meals or something.

Annnd then we get the two droids walking around this barren desert and bickering at one another. I dunno... it just seemed really... boring and mundane. Not much of a crowd pleaser. It's also a very one sided conversation, since the little shitcan can only make beeps and clicks. Fuck him... I really thought it was good that he got tasered or whatnot.

So yadda yadda yadda and... we finally come to the hero of the entire film... Luke fucking Skywalker. Our protagonist, if you will. A little whiny farm boy. Oh my God I cannot stand Luke. Or maybe it's Mark Hamill. Maybe Mark Hamill was the problem, but I didn't like him. And this was before his face got all mangled up in ESB. Dude really resembled some sort of mongoloid then. But in ANH, he was just really whiny and annoying and hard to stomach. The way he would just stare at those two setting suns like he'd never seen them before in his fucking life. You just didn't see why we should care about this guy, who whines about wanting to go join his friends at some academy. Or he's going to Toshi to get water vapor machines or something... it just doesn't inspire any sort of liking to this guy. Later on, we find out he also has a thing for his sister. What the fuck.

We meet Obi Wan Kenobi. Ridiculous name, of course. I can't see why anyone would think that's a name at all. Just gobbledygook. But whatever. He rescues Luke from those sand people. Which was sad, cause I really wanted them to kill Luke and maybe eat his entrails? But no, we get treated to more of Mark Hamill's hammy ass acting as he acts surprised to learn more about his father. We see the first scene with the lightsaber, which looks awful of course, because this was the original version of the film I saw, back on VHS. No special edition with the CGI yet. So yea, it just looks kinda like a bright snow sword at times.

We go to the town and find Han Solo. Han Solo... really cocky and smarmy. Not as bad a character as Luke, but still not all that likeable. Plus, he hangs around with this walking bigfoot ripoff named Chewie, who again like R2D2 doesn't actually say anything we can understand. That's just annoying, sticking in characters that can't talk. Then again, this is from a guy who gave us great lines like "I don't like sand. It's rough. Not like your skin, it's smooth. Not like sand." Or something to that effect.

The Force. Sooooooo ridiculous. Crazy mumble jumble. What is it, what does it do? I dunno, whatever George Lucas pulls outta his ass, apparently. New Age mysticism turned into a pithy little catchphrase in cinema. And that's the thing with Star Wars, it's not sci-fi, it's just sci-fantasy. A wizard did it, it doesn't have to make sense. Whatever, I hate fantasy.

The Death Star. Oh god, the Death Star. Why would you build a ginormous battle station with this one vulnerability that allows the entire thing to blow up? That doesn't seem like a very good design. The shaft somehow goes straight into the main core. Of course it does. It's the size of a small moon but they couldn't be bothered to have the shaft deviate in some sort of manner. It just goes straight. And no filters in between. Nothing to stop a missile or torpedo.

It fires its super laser, which apparently consists of some five or six lasers converging at a point and forming one big laser that blows up planets good. Though of course, that's really silly. Five lasers firing like that would just pass through each other and you wouldn't be able to hit squat. Well, anyways... the Falcon gets trapped and brought inside a hangar bay. We see some hijinks ensue as they disguise themselves as stormtroopers. They go into the detention center and rescue the princess. And uh... then they get stuck in the garbage disposal unit. Now, this just seems unnecessary. It's a dank, stinky pit and there's not much humor to be had. It seems like there's supposed to be some sort of comedic value in being trapped with garbage but I didn't laugh. I did wish that garbage monster had killed Luke, since he's still as uninspiring and bland as ever. Unfortunately, they don't get crushed by the disposal walls. That's too bad. I would have found that very funny.

Darth Vader and Obi Wan Kenobi meet and duel. Now, I had actually thought that Darth Vader was pretty cool up until this point. I mean, he looked kinda cool, with that armor. But uh... that all went away as soon as they started dueling and we saw that he was even worse at using a lightsaber then this 80 year old arthritic guy played by Alec Guinness. Seriously... what is cool about lightsabers from watching this fight? It's like watching two retards trying to wrestle... they're both awful at it. And of course, the rotoscoping on the lightsabers isn't quite right so sometimes you can see that it's just a slightly glowy stick on the end of their handles.

So yea, Kenobi decides to commit suicide and they manage to escape... But of course, they now know about the Death Star's glaring weakness and figure they should go back and blow it up. How do they do that? Well, they fly into a narrow restrictive trench. It's just this trench along the surface, which is straight and unobstructed, leading to a hole that's straight and unobstructed. And of course, you've gotta wonder... if the trench is just leading to this hole on the surface of the Death Star, why even fly inside the damn trench in the first place? Why not just fly directly for the hole? Then you can maneuver all you want in space... not have TIE Fighters shooting you in the ass while some asshole on the comm tells you to "Stay on target. Stay on target." in this really wooden and robotic voice. Seriously, did anyone else notice how fucking retarded and annoying that lead Rebel guy was on the comm channel? I dunno why, but he chose to deliver the lines "Stay on target" in this hilariously bad inflection. Just repeated them over and over again too. It was so, so awful. Holy crap, I wanted that guy to die.

And so this lame farmer boy blows up the Death Star. They get back and hold this really... shiny glaring ceremony. Lots of light bloom, to borrow a gaming term. I dunno what they were thinking, it's this really hokey scene. They get their shiny gold medals and then turn to the camera and smile smugly at us all. We, who just had to endure this retarded film. Luke and Han, with their big shit-eating grins. Ugh, just awful. Why would anyone think that was a good ending?

No comments:

Post a Comment