My list of issues with Arkham Asylum

1. Boss Fights Sucked.

2. Gargoyles a bit too convenient, grappling mechanic felt too automatic, no finesse involved.

3. Hollow gameplay sections: Courtyard filled with killing dozens and dozens of plant pods (that shoot plasma balls WTF?) by crouching and pressing a button to initiate the canned animation. And hopefully you enjoy that canned animation of him punching into and then ripping open the pod, splattering the fake camera with plant blood, because it's gonna be the same every single fucking time. Which is really boring after the 3rd time. Nevermind the 20th.

4. Gameplay length seems low, if you compare it to some other games released. If you compare it to Modern Warfare 2's length though, it seems pretty great. So that's really hard to say. Coming off of a run of Dragon Age or Borderlands or AC2, it's undoubtedly going to seem a bit short. You really have to judge if the quality of the experience is enough to make up the difference.

There's no real replayability though. It's not linear in the sense that it's a straight line, there are hub areas involved, so you'll have to backtrack and encounter the same areas but with different conditions. But all in all, the campaign's gonna be exactly the same. The only replayability might be in getting higher scores in the Danger Rooms. Wait, Danger Rooms are the rooms in X-Men. What are they called, hazard rooms? Challenge rooms? The challenge is in getting higher scores, but I just played em once each and had enough. It only served to remind me that these sections were taken from the campaign and that there was a lot more to do because you weren't confined inside a room.

5. Other then that, the one big aesthetic detail that I really disliked was what I had been kvetching about for the longest time... before the game, during the game, and now after the game: Batman's walking animation looks retarded. He's just walking like a stiff robot that's maybe a little bit constipated? It just looks bad, man. Seriously, fix that animation. He looks great when he's moving while crouched, but we're all too damn lazy to hold down the crouch button all the time. And when we aren't running, we have to walk. And Batman looks awful doing it. It was a bad jig to begin with, we never should have started this jig. It was a bad jig, a terrible terrible jig.

Arkham Asylum actually didn't have a lot of faults, I enjoyed it quite a bit.

Batman's got issues

What Batman does seems slightly unfeasible.

Think about it. He goes out night after night and fights criminals in Gotham City. But how does he do this? He waits until it's night. Night time will generally be from 7:00 pm to maybe... what, 5:00 am? That's not bad, that's a solid 10 hours of crimefighting. But what happens when the sun comes up? No more Batman. And that's exactly when the criminals and supervillains are going to strike, right? Cause after a while, even the cowardly and superstitious lot are bound to notice that Batman seems to arrive at 7:00 pm every night, like clockwork. They'll just sleep during the night and do their dastardly schemes during the day. Kinda like how normal people operate. Batman isn't able to do anything, he's gotta wait till night. Unless he got some sort of WayneTech device to block out the Sun. That'd be silly, though.

But you might be saying... well, he'll just go out as Bruce Wayne during the day and stop them with his Lamborghini Murcielago. Like in that Chris Nolan film, The Dark Knight. Which sounds good, except that he actually risks blowing his cover. He's not wearing his mask as Bruce Wayne. And Bruce Wayne doesn't have the protection of the Batsuit, or any handy gadgets. That's quite risky. So what he did in TDK seems like a pretty rare occurrence. Generally, he's not gonna risk it.

And of course, he'd probably be sleeping during the day. Like a vampire, which is appropriate. After fighting crime for 10 hours and grappling from building to building, beating thugs, saving hostages... Bruce has got to be beat and in need of some rest. I don't believe any comics have ever had him copying Kramer and trying that DaVinci sleep method where you only sleep for 20 minutes every few hours or something. The man's reserves are down, he'll have to go to sleep during the day. You know what happens when he doesn't get sleep? He gets his fucking back broken, that's what. It's a bad scene.

Now, on to Batman actually fighting crime. His batsuit protects him from bullets. And he'll generally hide in the darkness. But what about his no killing rule? Is that really an actual rule that a guy fighting crime night after night can keep? You'd think that eventually he'd do something like punch a guy, have the guy go unconscious, fall down, hit his head on a toilet bowl or something, and die from inadequate medical attention later on. Or maybe he punches some big dude in the chest, which causes a freak heart attack and death? Ya know, stuff that's a little unlikely, but becomes more and more likely as his crimefighter career continues. Batman doesn't have detailed medical dossiers on every two bit crook and thug in Gotham, right? That seems like a stretch.

In law, we have something called the eggshell skull rule. Basically, if you punch someone in the head and they turn out to have a rare condition which makes their skull as weak and brittle as an eggshell, you'll be punished for the actual outcome, not your intent to merely inflict a punch that would have slightly injured a man with a normal skull. So you're basically screwed if you just happen to punch someone with an eggshell skull. Now, this could happen to Batman. He might not know if a new criminal mastermind has an eggshell skull. So he goes for the one punch knockout and... ends up killing the guy. Gordon and the GCPD suddenly have a warrant out for his ass. He's done for. Or, the criminal supervillains like Joker or Two Face could just hire someone with an eggshell skull to be their thug for a heist. Batman shows up and falls right into their trap. It's terrible, breaking your one rule to never kill because you ran into a thug with an eggshell skull. That would just feel terrible.

Batman often gets wounded in combat. You know, something sharp shreds his costume sometimes. Catwoman's scratched him good in a few encounters. So he gets cut a bit and maybe blood spills out from the wound. Batman doesn't stop to clean up the pavement, he just keeps going with the battle and drives away when it's all over. So you've got Batman's blood on Gotham pavement, or inside a building somewhere. Couldn't someone take that blood and try to find Batman's real identity with it? Just gotta try and match it up with any DNA in a database. Bruce Wayne probably had blood taken from him as a kid for... medical reasons, right? Does a hospital keep really good records of people's blood and DNA? I'm not sure, but even if they don't, the existence of Batman's blood is worrisome evidence. Could you use the DNA in the blood to trace it to the Wayne genealogy? It doesn't seem too far fetched.

It's tough being Batman. I don't know how he does it.

Batman's mysterious explosive bat-gel

I was just thinking about the explosive gel, and it occurred to me that there's no real way to trigger it, is there? Cause doesn't Batman just spray the gel onto the wall in the shape of a bat? Then he steps away and triggers the gel with a remote detonator in his hand. But how does that signal from the detonator activate the gel? Is there some sort of receiver stuck inside the gel that receives the signal from the detonator? I didn't see any. The gel itself can't possibly receive remote signals, can it? It's just this gel substance.

Has anyone figured out how Batman triggers the gel to explode?

Impressions of Batman Arkham Asylum

Mind you, this is still only halfway into the game...

I think Batman might be a killer in this game. Driving an automobile at full speed into people is generally pretty bad and can be fatal, after all. Bane's a strong guy, but I don't think steroids make you invulnerable to death by blunt force trauma from cars. The impact could've done enough internal injuries to kill Bane. Caving in his rib cage, crushing his heart, etc. And even if the internal injuries somehow weren't fatal, the car might be pinning him to the bottom of the seafloor, leading to death by drowning.

...Bane was something else I found rather odd. In the comics, normal Bane without his venom is still a rather large fellow, but in the game normal Bane seemed to be really skinny and emaciated. It creates this somewhat inaccurate picture of Bane as a weakling who requires Venom in order to become super buff and strong, when in the comics Bane is already really buff and strong and uses Venom to get a bit of a temporary boost.

Ya know what, I'm gonna say a bit more. I'm not sure about this, but I hope there's an upgrade for faster knockouts. Right now, the knockouts seem really slow to deliver. By knockout, I'm referring to the ability you get once you punch an opponent to the ground and they're trying to get back up. Batman kneels down next to the thug, seems to check him for a moment, and then delivers the knockout punch. I think an upgrade to just have him quickly deliver the knockout and move on would be nice.

Also, if they ever do a sequel, I hope they'll separate the armor upgrades into two different categories, one for melee protection and one for firearm protection. Because the armor upgrades in this game seem to be way too effective against guns. I saw Batman take 2 shotgun blasts and a few rifle bursts and survive, on normal difficulty and without any armor upgrades. With the added protection of the armor upgrades, Batman almost becomes the Man of Steel against guns. It's pretty silly how much he can take against lead. With that said, I don't have any problem with upgrades against melee attacks, that seems more reasonable. Batman's well known for being able to take a lot of bruises and cuts fighting thugs in hand to hand combat. Maybe it could be called "Added Stamina" or something. But in this game, I would be loathe to apply the armor upgrades because I don't want Batman to feel like a bullet sponge, that's not Batman to me.

And what's with the Gears of War style finger in ear slow walking bullshit? That's pretty strange, seeing as how Batman's cowl doesn't even have any button for his fingers to press. His comm with Oracle should thus be hands free, allowing him to run around unhindered and do plenty of stuff while talking. I mean, think about it. If your fucking Xbox live headset doesn't require you to press a button on the side of it to communicate, why does Batman's high tech cowl? Why are they copying something from Gears of War for absolutely no reason? Copy something if it's good and appropriate, not just because it's trendy or whatever.

Oh yea, there's also really no real reason to ever leave Detective mode. Being able to see through walls and pick up hostile skeletal figures hundreds of feet away... it's just insanely overpowered. The night vision goggles in Splinter Cell were quite nice to use, but you didn't feel like you were basically cheating the game by using them. And that's a real shame, because the game looks gorgeous and quite stunning when you're not in Detective mode.

The Greatest Animated Series of All Time

Here is my list of the greatest animated series of all time. Note that since yours truly is definitely a child of the early '90s, my pop culture tastes will reflect that. This all began when I skimmed through IGN's list of the top 100 animated series of all time and found it deeply lacking. Thus, I endeavored to compile my own list, reflecting reality as I see it. Those assholes at IGN did a dreadful job with their one hundred slots. For some reason, they decided to fill it with tons of lame stuff from the 70s. Seriously, what the fuck is DangerMouse? And the Smurfs? Goddamn lunatics. Well, without further ado...

1. The Simpsons

Oh c'mon, you knew this was gonna be at the top. It's obvious. Don't deny it cause it's popular (despite the decline in quality over the years). The Simpsons defined mainstream network cartoons. Sure, I didn't immediately think of it either, but that's because when we think of cartoons, we generally think of saturday morning or afternoon fare. The Simpsons on the other hand is clearly late night adult entertainment. The great granddaddy of stuff we all take for granted now like South Park, Futurama, Adult Swim, and yes, Family Guy. Bart Simpson was the rebel without a cause for an entire generation of young people and "Eat my shorts" was enshrined in pop culture forever. While it's steadily gone down the shitter after season 9, we can always look back at those cherished reruns when Mindy was seducing Homer with room service and Bart still made prank phone calls to Moe's.

2. ExoSquad

The greatest sci-fi war epic of all time, in saturday morning cartoon format. ExoSquad was no funny series of hijinks and misunderstandings. Nor a treasure trove of pop culture references randomly inserted throughout. It was simply a dramatic and at times brutal account of the Second Neo Sapien War. For a saturday morning cartoon, this show took risks. Characters you'd grown to know and love could and would die. Entire populations were brought to starvation and slavery in concentration camps. And the most frightening aspect of all... mankind had pretty much brought this on itself. We were responsible for creating our own conquerors, the genetically engineered Neo Sapiens. Slaves who were now our slavemasters.

The show basically took World War II and transported it into the 22nd century, with sci-fi exoskeletons known as Exo-Frames. Basically, all the cool aspects of Starship Troopers, but with a much more relatable conflict. Instead of just blowing away anonymous bugs, we were fighting our own bitter creations, who were politically ruled by a megalomaniacal tyrant named Phaeton. I'll never forget the first season episode "The Brood" in which the ExoFleet, returning to Earth to liberate it from the occupying Neo Sapiens, ended up being overwhelmed by two Neo Sapien fleets. The flagship Resolute going down in flames as its lifeboats shot out and were blown apart by hostile fire is probably one of the most traumatic images of my childhood. Sure, I'd seen the Reliant get blown apart by the Enterprise in "Wrath of Khan" before then, but that was a ship full of escaped criminals and villains. They were trash. Seeing the Resolute, flagship of the entire Exofleet, the pride and joy of Admiral Winfield, slowly get ripped apart by laser fire and then explode with the traitorous Captain Marcus aboard invoked a curious mixture of horror, despair, and wonderment.

Now that I've grown up, I actually find that I can appreciate the series more, which is rarely the case with these saturday morning cartoons. But it's only now in my adult life that I find myself recognizing the subtle touches of the writers, like the state of the Neo Sapien people in the first few episodes resembling the state of Germany before World War 2. Or the problem of human collaborators working with the Neo Sapien occupation, just like the Vichy regime of France.

Here's a quote that I've found especially memorable. Only a mere taste of the excellence embued in this animated masterpiece.

Thrax: "I used to worry how I would face the end. Would I go bravely like a soldier? But let me tell you something, Neo Mega, it's life itself that matters, not how it ends. Each moment is a precious gift, if only we have the courage to accept it. That is where our duty lies, not in taking life, but in living it."

3. TaleSpin
Disney's Afternoon Block was king in my after-school entertainment schedule. Two solid hours of animation, followed by the segue into Full House. And of all the excellent animated shows on that block, none has stuck with me like TaleSpin. Sure, you might be wondering to yourself WTF Disney was thinking with this concept... taking the characters of The Jungle Book and sticking them into a prewar 1930's seaside city named Cape Suzette? Baloo the bear piloting a cargo plane? Shere Khan the tiger as some corporate mogul who scratches his wooden armrest all the time?

While a bit odd at first glance, this dynamic absolutely worked in execution. Baloo was just as lovable an oaf as Homer Simpson, while his supporting cast of Kit Cloudkicker, Wildcat, and Rebecca Cunngingham were equally as entertaining and charismatic. And the 1930s Americana setting was warm and rich with interesting embellishments. G.I. Joe might have had their ground based fortresses but who didn't want an Iron Vulture as a child? It was the ultimate airborne war vessel, IMO.

I can easily name off dozens of memorable episodes which seemed to have that same old Disney magic which made the Mouse company a household name. My favorite one is probably the episode where Baloo and his friend Louie go off in search of treasure and a date with a damsel in distress in this ancient lost city of scarabs and magical wind chimes. The whole thing was quite sinister with the gigantic scarab gates of the desert city, while the alluring female archeologist probably turned me into a furry momentarily. Kinda felt like a lost Indiana Jones movie, honestly.

But hey, that's just one episode. What about the one where the air pirates build an enormous mirror in the sea to confuse and crash airplanes? Or the one where Baloo loses his memory and befriends a guardian angel? Or the one where gangsters hijack the Spruce Moose? Or the one where Howard Huge builds an enormous airwing out of the parts of various airplanes? Or the one where Kit frees a giant whale? Or the one where Wildcat finds a lost world of dinosaurs? Or the one where Kit goes off and joins a Soviet cadre? Or the one where Baloo competes against a robot pilot, the future of aviation? Or the one where Rebecca falls in love with a ghost captain on a flying Dutchman? See what I mean? This show had tons of amazing episodes, made with care and that high Disney craftmanship. Unfortunately, we won't see the likes of that again, I reckon.

4. Batman The Animated Series
The greatest superhero animated series, bar none. Batman had been given a fair shake on the big screen with Tim Burton's two films, but this cartoon was the real deal. Sure, you have to get past all the bad guys shooting their tommy guns but never managing to hit Batman, but that's a minor issue. The storytelling of this show was basically everything good that the comics had produced, with some stuff that was actually much better, encapsulated in 30 minute chunks. The pinnacle of which was my favorite episode "Heart of Ice", a near perfect example of animated entertainment. Here we get not just the best portrayal of Mr. Freeze, but the best sort of Batman story, the best episode of the show, and the best episode of superhero animation by far. I can't think of many television episodes which have made me cry, but this is one of them. To watch it and not shed a tear, you would almost certainly have to have a literal heart of ice.

So how come this series isn't higher on my list? Well, to put it simply... I hate Bruce Timm's art style. I can't stand it. The ridiculously huge chins and broad torsos... they just really looked odd to me. Also, the art deco style I was never crazy for. You have to remember, as a child watching this... it was very strange seeing people in old 1950's cars and riding in blimps while also seeing Batman fighting androids and artificial intelligence with lasers. So, it does have some flaws in my eyes. However, it's still really really high on my list because the writing and characterization were so amazing. Mr. Freeze wasn't the only character that the show used well. Other villains like Harvey Dent, Mad Hatter, Clayface, and Poison Ivy were utilized in dark and emotionally deep stories that were arguably superior to the comic books at the time. And the show also created wholly new adversaries like Baby Doll and HARDAC who were worthy foes for the Dark Knight. Simply put, this show is really fucking good. So good in fact, that even after the release of The Dark Knight, many fans still rate this show as their favorite portrayal of the Batman in any medium. That's high praise indeed.

5. BattleTech The Animated Series
The show which introduced me to the beautiful universe of BattleTech.

6. Futurama
Brilliant sci-fi comedy molded to look like The Simpsons.

7. X-Men The Animated Series
Marvel's first 90's cartoon, and the best.

Honorable Mentions:
The Bots Master
Eek! the Cat
Rug Rats
Kim Possible
Rescue Rangers
DarkWing Duck
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Muppet Babies
Spider-Man The Animated Series
Alvin and the Chipmunks

Fuck the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.

WTF. Unbelievable. Fucking ridiculous. The Dark Knight is snubbed for both Best Picture and Best Director.

And for what? "The Reader", a film that's 60% on Rottentomatoes.com and a 58 on Metacritic? That's what the Academy deems the best of the year? Some movie about an ex-Nazi who likes sleeping with little boys? WTF Academy, Nazi pedophilia makes for more interesting cinema then the uncertainties of being a just hero in a world of anarchy and chaos?

First Obama wins the election, now this. I... I just can't take much more of this bad news. The universe completely fucking sucks ass.

I really do hope nobody watches the Oscars now. Introduce a little anarchy. Upset the established order, and everything becomes chaos. I'm an agent of chaos. Oh, and you know the thing about chaos... it's fair.